A Beginner’s Guide To (sort of) Keeping Fit

A New Year is a time for change. People make all sorts of promises to themselves about self improvement. Always being ahead of the game, I had a crack at it in the lead up to the New Year.

Backache, tennis elbow (in my left arm that hardly does anything!), energy levels sapping…the list of ailments, aches and pains seemed to be increasing by the day so rather than drift through middle age (whatever THAT is) with mobility issues piling up I decided to do something constructive. I did what I swore I would never do. The thing I have scoffed at friends for succumbing to for years now…I joined a gym.

I signed up mainly for swimming – NOT pumping weights (I’m sluggish, not insane) which is best for all round flexibility although I may eventually to have a crack at those hideous machines that are favoured by body pumped, tight fit clothed loons ! If it’s supposed to make you feel good why do they always look so miserable? Probably through lack of cake.

So here dear reader are my GYM LIFE LESSONS to starting something healthy. I must warm you however, it is never without incident…

Visit 1

  • Pay attention to signage – dont go up to the gym in your swimmies when the pool is downstairs – they dont like it

  • On hearing ‘Rock The Boat’ over the tannoy whilst struggling with the breast stroke, dont start synchronised disco dancing in the pool – they dont like it

  • When entering the sauna only to be met with some loon doing lunges with his right knacker on view, dont say ‘Oh good God!’ – he didnt like it. (Why is he lunging at me? I’d ask him to stop but he might have a knife…)

  • When changing next to someone who has produced a tub of loony bulk building powder, dont get out a king size Twix from your Tescos bag – they dont like it

Now consoling myself with a giant slab of quiche – if that doesnt sum up the phrase ‘one step forwards two steps back’ I dunno what does

Visit 2

  • 3 words sum up today’s ‘experience’ – giant great wanger! I swear to God I had to fosberry flop over it to get to my locker. It took up the whole cubicle. What kind of weights is he pumping?

  • Was also despondent that an elderly lady was a faster swimmer than I was – and she had to be helped into the damn pool! She did however appreciate my dance efforts today when Supremes ‘Stoned Love’ came on (impossible not to move to – try it!) Twas like being a Rep doing poolside aerobics all over again.

  • Still, 2 swims in 2 days – at this rate I may well have a verucca by Bonfire night!

Today’s apres gym treat – a Crunchie (3 pack – which I decided to think of as just a very long Crunchie…) I’ll be unable to get into the sodding jacuzzi at this rate…

Visit 3

  • For the 3rd straight day the receptionist has eyed me with suspicion as I’ve swiped in as if to say ‘What the hell’s he doing here? Greggs is next door…’

  • Urgent memo to the guy jogging on the treadmill wearing a hoodie (hood up) – its a gym not an audition for ‘Rocky’

  • When in the jacuzzi (which is just a big plastic tub of human soup) dont wear trunks with a net lining as it billows up in the bubbles and when you exit it looks like you’re having a particularly difficult time of the month.

So I am contemplating tackling the gym part soon and am now searching for an adult to accompany me as I should not be allowed in there unsupervised… Any takers? Anyone..?
Post swim treat – Bombay Bad Boy (King Size) Pot Noodle…

Visit 4

  • So today I experienced what every athlete dreads – I hit the wall…literally, I hit a wall when I skidded on some wet tiles and slid into the side of the shower unit

  • 5 swims in 7 days (I took the weekend off so sue me) is also taking its toll. Today I opened my gym bag (aka : an Aldi plastic carrier) to discover 3 socks, no shampoo and a tin of sweetcorn…

  • So what if the others are thinner, more muscley and generally fitter than me?
    So what if they personify the image of the body beautiful more than I do?
    So what if they can do way more in there than I can? ……
    …… you’d think I’d be going somewhere with this wouldn’t you..?

Visit 5

  • When the fire alarm goes off while youre soaping yourself down in the locker room showers do you
    A: Slap a claggy towel round yourself and head up to reception as requested, dignity a distant memory?


B: Finish what you’re doing and take your chances in the inferno?

  • The answer for future reference is B:… ALWAYS choose B….

Visit 6

  • The toggle on my trunks is loose and swingy – what could possibly go wrong? Oh, yeah, THAT could…

  • A headline today read that the chlorene in swimming pools is supposed to lower testosterone levels. That explains the moobs in the changing room. Do I now have to wrap my bits ‘n’ bobs in cling film before I take a dip?

  • A guy in the changing room farted loudly and I tried so hard not to laugh I let one rip myself. Flatulant karma will get you every time. Even odder, neither of us acknowledged the other during this fart-in.

On the plus side, I did not have a slab of chocolate after today’s swim…I had a bag of Dorritos instead. That, my fellow athletes, is growth. I can also tell that the gym peeps realise i’m taking it more seriously now having swapped my Aldi bag for a Waitrose one…

Visit 7
The locker padlock I purchased from the gym got stuck…

The female receptionist’s solution was to send a random male punter downstairs with a large pair of bolt cutters to free my clothes (which took two big blokes in the changing rooms as my lenses (and therefore, sight) were also locked inside.

She then said I couldnt get a new padlock or a refund on the 2 week old purchase because I hadnt reported it had been a little sticky.This is irrelevant, the fact remains it totally jammed today and shouldn’t have so after protesting in my best Margo Leadbetter tone I was patronisingly given a new lock.

I was so wound up by this point though (surely the opposite effect of a gym visit?) I sought solace in Greggs as I was in urgent need of something hot wrapped in flaky pastry to recover from the trauma.

The gym owner better get a decent support system in place (and give it a lick of paint) or, in his own dragon-like words, ‘I’m Out !’

Visit 8

Just returned after a week of deep training (aka : over eating) in Scotland. I have also entered more into the spirit of gym life by ditching my Aldi carrier bag for a snazzy little duffle bag thing. The shoulder strap of which caught on the automatic entrance barrier causing me to practically twerk my way inside – this does not happen with plastic bags!!!

As I entered the pool for the first time in a fortnight the theme from Titanic was playing – did the bint on reception pre-arrange this after our heated debate over my buggered padlock?

I’m still being lapped by pensioners and almost lost a flip flop in the jaccuzi but come the New Year I’ll be like Tom Daley’s ‘slightly’ older brother (I already have a nose like Rebecca Addlington)

Note to self – don’t wear a Superman t-shirt again as it’s too much to live up to in the changing room…

Visit 9

The last visit before Christmas…

The pool water has suddenly become way colder than usual.

  • Downside – my meat and two veg disappeared back up and inwards

  • Upside – I can now sing the whole of ‘Walking In The Air’ in the key choirboys intended

(note to self – never forget to wear lenses in future after a blurry chat with someone in the locker rooms who clearly know who I was but I, in my sightlessness, hadn’t the faintest idea who he was)

In ConclusionFunny-Gym-and-Workout-05

  • Do I feel better? A little bit – scaling stairs is less daunting and wearing shirts feels less like trying to squeeze the toothpaste back into the tube

  • Will I keep it up? I absolutely and most definitely plan to hope to think about possibly doing so

  • Would I recommend it to others? Aside from dignity, the ability not to smell of chlorene and the joy of chips, you’ve got nothing to lose…

So Good Luck fellow self-improvers… Must go, got a Pop Tart simmering…

One thought on “GYMNAUSEUM

  1. Ha…I assume you’re a Brit. I love the slang. Your gym antics are lovely! BTW…on an unrelated note would you want to join a group of Funny Bloggers called Funny Blog Friday? We blog now and then on funny topics. We have a G+ group and everything. We’re super important. Lemme know…
    Our group needs more Brit slang and jokes. Love it!!


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